Confessions of a Guilt-aholic

Hello.  My name is Shelly and I'm a guilt-aholic.

Somewhere in my lifetime I've been given a double dose of guilt.  There are even different categories.

Wife guilt: Do I support my husband sufficiently?  No.  There's so much more I can be doing in our home to make it a haven, especially since the only other place he frequents is the fast-paced emergency room (as a nurse, not a patient, thank goodness).  I could sit here and think of the kitchen that needs a major scrubbing, the laundry that need to be folded and put away or the floors that need vacuuming, but then I'd begin to feel guilty about it and I'd have to stop writing to go take care of it.  So we'll just move on.

Mommy guilt: Oh, this one is so prevalent and overwhelming.  Do I do enough to show my kids that I love them?  Do I feed them healthy enough foods?  Do I teach them the best ways to live in the world but not be of the world?  Those answers are easy: Nope, nope, nope.  Honestly, I think even the most "perfect" Mommy could find things she wishes she could improve on.  I hear these incredible moms I know talk about lists of things they wish they could do better and I just sit there thinking, "If you struggle, what hope is there for me???" 

I was reminded about how ridiculous my Mommy guilt is yesterday.  We are no strangers to waiting rooms.  I hate those places.  But when you're waiting for your little child to be procedured (not a word, but you get it), you have to wait what seems to be an eternity.  The first time I had to sit in the waiting room to wait for Matt's procedure I didn't bring anything to do because as the perfect Mommy I should have been waiting on pins and needles at the edge of my chair thinking only of my little boy.  Let me tell you, that kind of pressure on your brain is enough to make you crack.  I had to learn that I was NOT a bad mom for wanting to distract myself from what was happening in the other room.  Just human.

It's that distraction that I need to learn again.  This time in reference to my Health guilt.  It is so easy to sit here and think about where I could be if I had stayed on my path of diet and exercise: prepping for a half marathon, prepping for a 10k (the Plan B if the 1/2 wasn't attainable), 30 lbs lighter, a trim body, strong muscles, fewer body aches, months of established habits. 

But I don't have those things.  I've been too on and off in my work outs and good eating habits.  So what do I do?  I sit think about things that I have no control over.  I'm on pins and needles on the edge of my seat thinking only of the time that I've lost and cannot get back.  I swim in the guilt of "what could've been." 

The problem is, there's no magical cure to get over that guilt.  It's a mental game.  And I can be plenty mental.  Life was rough, I'm feeling better, I can get back to the things I need to do, and work hard toward my goal again.  Instead of dwelling on the last several months of poor decisions, horrible eating, and loss of control, I need to think of the efforts I'm currently making. I ran 2 miles in 23 minutes yesterday while pushing a stroller.  Not the most impressive numbers, but I did it. 

I don't think I'll ever be cured of my Guilt.  But I can do my best to become a recovering Guilt-aholic everyday.  It's all part of my 4000 step recovery process.